I sit here in amazement watching my little 5-year-old girl as she dances around the living room singing sweet little songs that she makes up about how happy she is. I remember how only just a year ago things were entirely different.
Our family's journey to adoption was unexpected, although we discussed adoption even when we were newlyweds and had always been favorable to adopting someday. We had everything most families could want: a loving marriage as well as a son and a daughter who were turning out to be great kids. We were missionaries serving overseas living an exciting, fulfilling life. But we had always dreamed of having a big family, and due to some medical issues, I was unable to have anymore children. I grieved this at first, yet I believe God brought this in my life to point us in a direction that we may not have pursued otherwise, but has turned out to be a huge blessing. He opened our minds and hearts to the miracle of adoption.
When we first decided to adopt, we agreed that we would be open to
adopting children of any age, race or country, and that we would adopt
more than one, possibly a sibling group. Most of our friends and family
were excited for us, though some questioned why we would want to
complicate a good thing: we already had the perfect little family. But
we continued to feel God tugging at our hearts to pursue this. Our
quest for a like-minded agency who could help missionaries living
overseas adopt led us to Celebrate Children. After narrowing down our
options, which were limited due to our circumstances, we eventually felt
led to pursue adoption of abandoned children from orphanages in
Guatemala. After many months of waiting to get our paperwork in order,
a process which was prolonged and complicated living overseas, Sue
identified a 14-month old boy in an orphanage, Gabriel, whose mother was
HIV positive, but Gabriel turned out to be negative. He was healthy,
adorable, and it was hard not to instantly fall in love with him from
his picture. We very clearly felt that we should adopt Gabriel, and
began the adoption process. But we were still hoping to adopt more than
one child.
A few months later were were told about Aisha, a 3-year-old girl, who lived in a different orphanage. Her situation was a little more complicated. Her mother had taken drugs while being pregnant, and she had lived on the streets her first few years of life, often left alone with strangers and other children who physically abused her. Now in an orphanage, she often displayed some disturbing behaviors, having nightmares, terrible tantrums, banging her head when upset, and biting herself, but other times acting happy and sweet. We knew that adopting Aisha with her behaviors, her past abuse and the unknown effects of her exposure to drugs would be a challenge at best. Still, orphanage workers reported that she had begun to respond well to efforts to work with her, and what she wanted most was a family. Her captivating smile in the pictures that were sent to us gave us hope that she could overcome her awful past, and we knew that what she needed was a loving family. At times we doubted that we could give her what she needed, but took a step of faith that God had led us to her for a reason, and so we began the adoption process.
Meanwhile, Gabriel's adoption progressed fairly well and we were able to
bring him home around his 2nd birthday, about 11 months after seeing his
picture for the first time. Aisha's adoption process however had not
been finalized, and so when we traveled to Guatemala to bring Gabriel
home, we were not able to bring her home at the same time. Instead, we
were allowed to have her stay with us for a week in Guatemala while we
waited for Gabriel's immigration paperwork to be finalized. At first
Aisha came to us happily and willingly, but after staying with us a
week, we began to see some of her negative behaviors. She had very
short attention span and seemed to be very controlling and manipulative.
She was constantly preoccupied with food, and when she did eat, she
ate like there was no tomorrow, never seeming to be satisfied. She would
have severe tantrums when she didn't get what she wanted, banging her
head, twisting her hands and hurting herself. She would cry out that she
didn't want us and wanted to go back to her other "mama", referring to
one of the orphanage workers. We were devastated by this rejection, and
had second thoughts about continuing on.
Jim had to return to the US, while I remained in Guatemala several more weeks waiting for Gabriel's paperwork. I took Aisha back to the orphanage, feeling like a failure and feeling very confused. However, after much prayer and thought, I decided to keep trying, but take things more slowly and gently. I visited Aisha a few times at her orphanage, and things went a little better. Finally I had to return to the US without her, and explained to her through an interpreter and my broken Spanish that I would be back for her at a later time. She seemed to understand, but I was afraid she would feel abandoned as she had once been by her biological mother, and that this would have a negative effect on her trusting us later on down the road.
During the next five months it was hard for us to not worry about Aisha, but we just had to place her in God's hands and trust that He would take care of her and that His timing was perfect. Meanwhile, our family welcomed Gabriel's arrival into our family. At the age of 2, he only spoke a few words, and had to be treated ear infections and also for several parasites. His speech was somewhat delayed, and though his doctor discovered that his eardrums were both severely perforated, he could still hear in at least one ear. Slowly he began imitating our words and learning to speak English. Our two older kids quickly fell in love with him and embraced him as their little brother.
Five months after Gabriel came home I was finally able to go to Guatemala and get Aisha. My greatest fear was that she would have one of her tantrums in a public place, like on the airplane, or would refuse to come with me. During that week in Guatemala I did everything I could to make our first week together as pleasant as possible, showing her pictures of her siblings and Daddy, bringing her lots of activities to keep her busy, and helping her to look forward to the flight to the US. Thankfully the flight went very well, and she continually shouted out loud in Spanish to everyone around how happy she was that she was going America and that she had a family.
Once together as a family, the first month was pretty rough. Aisha clung
to me almost constantly and insisted on either being held by me, or that
I remain in sight. She was very moody and whimpered and pouted a lot.
Her first few tantrums were very dramatic, and we were at a loss at how
best to handle them. Nothing in any of the how-to books on adoption
seemed to work. Sometimes she would try to withdraw into a corner or
under a table. It was very emotionally draining on all of us. The other
children began to get jealous and moody. Gabriel, who had become very
attached to me, cried desperately whenever I held Aisha. It was
difficult to meet both of their needs at once. Our two older children,
ages 10 and 11, were very frustrated with Aisha and did not know how to
interact with her. Every member of our family had to work hard at
taking turns with the little kids and learning how to help meet their
individual needs. Jim and I had to spend hours talking with our older
children, allowing them to express their feelings about the changes our
our family and helping them understand how best to react to Aisha. It
was very hard at first, and of course we asked ourselves more than a few
times what we had gotten ourselves into. Thankfully we were able to
network with other adoptive families and found lots of encouragement and
support.
Over the next several months things slowly began to improve. Aisha continued to have her tantrums, but through love and consistency we began to see her turn around and they became less and less severe, and less frequent. Her behavior became less impulsive. She learned English incredibly fast, and slowly became more independent and cheerful. Now a year after she came home, she is 5-years old and seems to have made almost a complete turn-around. She comes to sit on my lap with a warm smile, then runs off to play with confidence. She is almost always happy, unless she is in a dispute with a sibling. She seems very eager to please and obey most of the time. She has a very long attention span and she is even learning to read. She delights in learning as we home school her, and seems hungry for knowledge, asking questions about everything. She and Gabriel have become very close friends, playing together all day long, and missing each other when the other is not present. Aisha has become a delightful little person most of the time who seems more secure, happy and adjusted. It is truly a miracle how God can transform a person through a loving family. It is amazing to contemplate the impact that our decision to adopt has had and will continue to have in these two little lives.
Our two older children have had the biggest adjustments to make, but have also gained many benefits in having a little brother and sister. They but have come a long way in learning how to care for a nurture someone else, and have learn to be more "other-centered". In spite of their struggles, we have had some truly wonderful times as a family. As we have worked on building a team spirit in our family, it is a delight to see them all pulling for each other and working together in a relay race in P. E. class, or sit together watching a movie, the younger ones on the older one's laps. Christmas was especially a joy watching our older children delight in showing the younger children the ropes of how to use their new toys, and watching all four of them play happily together. Slowly but surely we are becoming a family.
There are many challenges we will still face, as any family does, but we are adapting and persevering. Of course all of our children have their sibling conflicts, but more and more we feel our daily challenges are more in the "normal" range and less overwhelming. We are now able to sit back and enjoy many moments together as a family. Looking back we are counting our blessings, and are thankful we took the chance to experience the miracle of adoption.
Jim and Karen Bettison